Christmas and Freedom

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed

The little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head

The stars in the bright sky looked down where He lay

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay

Oh, It's that time of year again. The time for scarves, hot cocoa, and the Michael Buble holiday pandora station. No, we haven't had Thanksgiving yet but it seems like the two are no longer like a cousin situation but like brother and sister, with one comes the other. 

I can't say I am complaing though. No grinch here. I love Christmas cheer like most of the other over eager holiday fanatics I know. And I have to say I'm glad that we celebrate Christmas so early and so fiercely... as long as along with all of our human traditions we don't lose sight on what's most important: that little baby Jesus, that perfect life, and that cross that gives us the freedom to chat and giggle over grande Peppermint Mochas at our local Starbucks. 

So why am I writing this Christmas post mid-November? Because something fantastic happened to me last night. It was 7 p.m. when both of my roommates and several of my other friends had to leave our apartment for worship rehearsal at our Church. Why I am the only one without musical capabilities is a question I ask God frequently.... Anyways, on top of that my sweet boy is in night class at that time until 10 pm... which is also crazy. So, basically I am a lone ranger on said night. 

I decide that this particular week I really don't feel like being alone so I go to Target to pass away some time. It seems I automatically stroll back to the Christmas section without even realizing it. It was really my wonderful Jesus having a sweet date night with me. Don't you love how God loves to romance and woo our affections back to Him? 

Over the past few months I've been dealing with a lot of fear/insecurity. Kind of on a more intense level than I ever have though. It's something I have been praying about and giving to God repeatedly. 

Well, this past week during the night, it was like I was wrestling with this idea even in my sleep! I remember tossing and turning just feeling crazy! And then suddenly, a picture flashed across my mind of Jesus on the cross and the words, "I died to give you freedom."

Such a peace settled over me. It was then I realized just how desperate I had been for a touch from God. 

This image and truth from Jesus is renewing my mind in such amazing ways. He died for my big fears and petty fears. They have to submit to Him. He died so I could freely live, and freely go about my life in fullness of joy. 

Oh, happy day. 

So at Target, walking around the Christmas isle with holiday tunes in the air and ornaments galore, I thought of baby Jesus. That He came as a baby... God came to earth as a baby... and lived a perfect life and died and rose again for me. Wow. That puts so much in perspective and it gave much needed freedom to this little child. 

Thank you Jesus. 

"I don't have to be great, because my God is." -Andy Mineo 

The Makings and Mendings of the Heart

Sometimes, I've noticed in life, God gives us pretty big missions. Noah planned on surviving a huge flood. Hannah wanted to be a mom. Esther wanted to save her people. Jesus came to save the world. And all of those things happened. 

So often, I think of the things people do and not the time, prayer, and faithfulness it took to get to the dream. It's easy for me to look at my life and think, "Ahh! I'm failing God. I'm not there yet!" And He reminds me I'm right where He wants me, and He is perfecting me and teaching me about perseverance through this w-a-i-t-i-n-g. 

So, I'm learning about what to do in the hidden place. What can I learn right here and now as I go on towards the goal and dream God has given me? What can I do today that honors God with what He has put before me? And I remind myself to rejoice in the little things. 

Today I'm choosing peace and joy. I choose Jesus!

While having my morning coffee I knew choosing joy meant to take delight in my Father. I had a nice, pretty breakfast (in bed) while reading. How nice!

A Birthday Surprise

You know those people who love to plan and can do so with such perfection it's like "quit your job already and become my personal assistant?!" And then we all know the other people, the ones asking that question. The ones who are so unorganized their phone alarm goes off to remind them to do something and they have no idea what. I'm sure you fit into one of those categories yourself. I find myself somewhat aligning in the middle and that drives my boyfriend crazy on most days.

You see Evan likes to plan. He wants to know when he is going somewhere and where exactly the coordinates are. I am all like let's leave in the afternoon and I know it's near I-35... kinda. 

You get it. And we love each other for it. And the imbalance actually balances nicely. But this week was Evan's birthday and I wanted it to be perfect. Somehow (the help of really great friends), I managed to pull it off. Let me tell you the secret of making any regular day fabulous, even for those of us who are a little on the unorganized side: the BLINDFOLD. 

A blindfold makes any normal day seem creative. You are in complete control. The other person has no idea where you are, where you are going, or what huge adventure awaits. It's an automatic fun time of surprises and laughs... especially when you forget the person you are leading around is blindfolded and unfortunately don't mention the curb... owww :/

The Blindfold (yes, it is an ear warmer). Also, the curb behind him is where he fell. 

His card was a mini- scrapbook. I got creative. We both cried a little. Good tears. 

Us at dinner at the swankiest restaurant in San Marcos, Palmers. Evan was totally feeling twenty-two because he told our waitress, "Is your manager here?" And I remember thinking OHMYGOSH what is he doing?! And gritting my teeth. The poor waitress looked as nervous as me. Evan proceeds to say, "I'd like to tell him what a great job you are doing," as he leans back all classy and non-awkward. I totally love this guy!

After a day full of surprise stops and a wonderful dinner the real surprise finally arrived as we walked into his unlit, people- filled apartment to the unanimous shouts of "Happy Birthday" and "Surprise!" 

Overall, it was the perfect day. I thank God all the timing worked out and for all the laughs we had. Moral of the story (for all my non-planners out there): when it doubt, use a blind fold!

Happy Birthday Evan. I love you!

A Royal Mess; My Eventful Day Off

The story of how today, my day off, with marvelously big plans, was supposed to go:

Wake up well rested. Have coffee while reading. Leisurely drive to the hair salon where I would relax as my much needed touch-up hair color would take place. Grab a nice lunch, maybe even go to some garage sales (I've been mad searching for an affordable jewelry armoire). A straight from the heart of Pinterest kind of day. 

Instead: I was spilling coffee. Running late. My hair didn't turn out as planned, which made me cry. (Hair color is no joke, and the wrong color can set you off months or years from how you want it. I know I'm being dramatic, but SRSLY.)

A huge storm blew in before we were able to dry my hair at the salon. Electricity went out. It was 2 p.m. and I hadn't ate all day. After waiting out the storm, I tried to go by Subway to grab some food. Of course, the electricity was out there and everywhere else in town so there was no grabbing much of anything. I went home and had crackers and almonds.

Today was the epitome of me being a baby, because at this moment I began crying and called the boyfriend. Even though Sweet-E tried to cheer me up, there wasn't much he could do with my stubborn, mad at the world attitude.

Something was brewing inside of me and it wasn't just ugly, it was ugly ugly. I was suddenly pre-teen me, throwing a pathetic hissy fit. I felt heat seep into my face, and my teeth clench down. Smoke very possibly could have been coming out of my ears.

When did I become 14 again?

After several minutes of this, I sluggishly looked up towards my ceiling and admitted to God I was being a baby and was sorry. I dutifully recognized that there were much bigger problems in the world than my bad day (hungry children, lost people, you know important things). I cried. And then I fell asleep.

When I woke up two and a half hours later, I went on a walk. It was nice. I talked with God about my day, and finally brought myself to be able to laugh while crying, which was a huge improvement.

It was then that I realized that although my hair was a shock, this wasn't just about my hair. Most of the week I had been relying on my own strength, feeling a little insignificant, and honestly I seemed to be marching in place; tired and stuck. Everything that happened today just topped it off, and now I was finally doing what I should have done all along.

I ran into the loving arms of my Father. I reminded myself of what was important and it wasn't hair color or ability to be the best or most successful. Rather, I reminded myself of who I am: I am a daughter of the King. I went up to my Father's throne and I thanked Him. I'm glad I am called to depend on Him, because He knows exactly what I need. At that moment, I just needed to rest in Him.

"Because Your love is better than life, my lips will praise You." Psalm 63:3

The Shy Evangelist

It was a sunny day 4 years ago that I walked onto a college campus as a freshman and decided "Yes, I will go persuade others about Jesus." 

I was shy and unconfident but had never been more sure of anything in my life. 

It had been one week since my campus minister had invited those who were interested at the Church to do what they called "Persuading Others", based on 2 Corinthians 5:11:

"Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others."

I had no idea how to "persuade" anyone about much of anything, much less that the God of the universe was real and loved them. That being said,  I figured on my first day of this Persuading Others thing I would be an observer... just watch and see how it all played out. My confidence was only in that: I should do this, not that I could this. 

I don't remember much about my first try at intentional evangelism. My campus minister had started a conversation about Jesus with a stranger. I was very impressed that it was semi-normal and not quite as awkward as I expected. It had only been a few minutes and I was trying to keep up and process words like inerrancy, individualism, and many "ism's" I didn't know were even words. Suddenly, in the middle of their dialogue, I heard something that made me want to RUN and HIDE.

"My good friend Tessa here is going to share her story with you." 

Suddenly all eyes were on me and time seemed to s-l-o-w-d-o-w-n. I did my best to on-the-spot sum up how Jesus had changed my disastrously messed up life and why this was even relevant for an absolute stranger to hear. "I'm doing it for Jesus, because He gave me everything" I felt my heart cry. My mouth on the other hand, made much less sense.

 I don't remember the stranger's response, but I clearly remember my campus minister saying afterwards, "Let me tell you why that was great." The next thing I knew, was that I, little shy-girl, barely-18-from-small-town-nowhere-TX, could share the gospel. 

Fast forward 4 years and I'm interning with Every Nation Ministries. For the first time in my life, I was taught how to live out the Bible practically and in the context of discipleship and community. My perspective on being a Christian is forever changed for the best. 

No one has ever told me I have the gift of evangelism. I don't have to be well spoken or extremely outgoing. I still share my story slowly and with a country twang. I still get nervous. In fact, I'm not even sure what "giftings" I naturally have. I just continue to say "YES" to God. 

I cannot NOT share my story. I cannot NOT share the gospel. It is the goodnews that people need to hear. It is the truth that has been exchanged for a lie, but that is being redeemed through believers with faith in the One who can save and are obeying the call to "GO, therefore and make disciples..." 

A Response to Heartache

My heart aches for those who are lost, wounded, and broken.

 In the span a few short months it seems that over and over again tragedy has struck like lightning; unexpected and life altering. Names that used to be associated with marathons and kolaches, or names that weren't known to me at all, now echo in my mind like a phantom pain: Sandy Hook, Boston, West, Cleburne, and Moore...

You are warriors, dear friends. 

You do not have time to write a blog because you are busy grieving, pilgrimaging through the pieces of what was once familiar and is now so strange. Moore, you are still in the line of fire, shocked and unsteady and counting the losses.

The following is a journal entry from my diary. I normally do not share straight from there, but in light of today I feel like it is a way of coping, a reminder to myself that God knows far more and more accurately than I ever can. 

A State of Grace
April 19th

My roommates and I sit at Starbucks sipping coffee. In a few short hours we will be celebrating K's wedding with bachelorette festivities. We should be excited, but all we can do is cry, and it's the state I've been in all week. God, You are wrecking my heart for the world. 

We cry for those who have been hurt and killed from the bombs. We cry for those whose houses are gone from the explosions. We cry for the uncle who doesn't understand why his nephew would be involved with terrorist plots. We cry because we only have one month left all living together, and time suddenly seems too short. We cry and we pray. We pray and God hears. He hears when we don't understand. Sometimes, we hear His response and sometimes we know all there is to do is trust Him. 

I've really learned something significant this week. 

I've lived 21 years without really grasping the broken state of the world. I've understood it in my family, and even on my campus, but I finally see that as far as the world is concerned, I've often fallen into a very "American" mind-set. I have been privileged and do not know what it feels like to really be hungry. I don't know what it is like to wake up one day and either starve or go sell my body for my next meal. I don't know what it is like to be rocked to the core by regular bombings and gun shots, tsunamis or earthquakes.

I understand better now the importance of my prayers for this nation and others where events like these happen daily. I understand better now, that I need to pray, intercede, and give time and money to help. I understand even better now, how God has called us all to play a part, because the body of Christ is not one color or one nation, but many. And today, as much as I can, I feel for them. 

I've heard it before, and I think it's worth repeating, "Being a Christian is a lot more than going to Church and giving time and money, but it isn't less." 

A Love that Conquers All

                                              So, you've found the love of your life.

The final cresendo. Wedding bells. Dun dun dundun. Oooo's and Ahhh's. Tears. She does. He does. I do, they say. Bubbles, sparklers, and rice. Just Married...

All of this is because of some unique, string-of-events story that brought this fabulous couple together.
And it is real love. She has found the love of her life. He has found the love of his life. What can be greater?

There is One who is greater. I am so excited for all of my friends who are getting married and one day I pray they are just as excited or more excited for me. Weddings are beautiful. A covenant before God and the world. I am so excited to be married one day. I've dreamed about it since I was a little girl in a Cinderella dress. 

But this week I am being reminded of how great the love of my God is. He is the bridegroom of His church, His people. The ones who overcome this world with His help. One day there will be a wedding that will be the most beautiful, other worldly, unequivocally awesome wedding of existence. Not only do I not want to miss out on His love, I will die without it. Forever.

 I am saddened when I see so many people search their whole lives, consumed with finding the love of their life, when they never know the lover of their soul. 

Specifically, I am reminded of all my friends who don't know Jesus, and His love for them, and I know I have a mission to both model His love and tell them about His love.

Someone has to tell them. 

Jesus loves you so much. He knows your every hurt and pain. He sees the desires of your heart. He has a plan and purpose for you. He wants to renew and refresh and heal. He gives ABUNDANT life. He holds your right hand. He will not leave nor forsake you. His love is patient and kind. His love is fierce for you. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross and despised the shame. He loves us. Nothing can separate you from the love of Jesus, except you. 

WHY DO WE SPEND OUR WHOLE LIVES SEARCHING FOR THE LOVE OF OUR LIFE WITHOUT WANTING FIRST AND FOREMOST THE LOVER OF OUR SOULS?

The Dishwashing Theory; I am a dish.

    As I was washing a dish the other day, i thought back to all the many times growing up I was assigned dish washing duty. 

    Washing dishes was my main chore. It seemed I was the only one in the house who knew how to wash dishes or something. We lived in an old farm house, and we had never had a dishwasher (besides me). They were always washed by hand.

     I had to wash dishes if I got in trouble, I had to wash dishes if I wanted to go somewhere, I had to wash dishes if there was a fork in the sink. No matter if the sink was piled high on both sides and flowing over the counters, it was my job. 

    So naturally, I had a certain disdain for washing dishes, and when I heard someone in the kitchen cooking I would feel a slow but sure feeling come over me. I hope they aren't cooking anything gross! There are just certain things that aren't fun to wash after they've been sitting in the sink a while. 

   And how many times would I come home from staying the night at a friends and there would be a sinkful of dishes, or even one large pot, with unknown foods stuck and mushed on the sides and floating in the hot-turned-cold water that was "soaking" the dish. 

source: google images

   In cases like this, I would often try to let the water run in the dish and clear out some of what was going on in there without actually putting my hand in the danger zone. It only minimally worked. The water would start to clear up and get warmer as it pushed the cold, murky water over the edge. 

   Then as the water cleared, I could begin to make out the spots that stuff had been stuck to the side of the pot. I would often take a fork and (while trying not to gag from the intense smell and look) scrape the who-knows-what off the side. Maybe I would ask my mom for help if I started gagging too much (I'm so sensitive to smells!). The point is eventually, the nasty pot would become clean. 

After being dried and put away, it was ready to be re-used for another creation that no doubt looks, smells, and tastes great when first made. 

     Today I realized something, maybe not profound, but sentimental to me because of my odd, but endearing, relationship with dishwashing.

I am like the dish. I had years of filth, sin, and baggage stored up in me. I spent years going to church and letting "the water run." I would just take in what was said, maybe take it to heart for a few days, but eventually would forget and not really allow it to penetrate my life.
I didn't want people to see all of my junk. What if it wasn't pretty? In fact, I KNEW it wasn't pretty! They probably would have been like me washing dishes: gagging!!

It wasn't until my senior year of high school, and even more so my freshman year of college, that I realized I needed a complete cleansing. I needed the old to go and the new to come. I was sick and tired of all the unidentified junk in my life! 

It took some realization. It took some confession and tears. But you know what, Jesus came in and He told me He loved me. He said to not be ashamed for His blood shed on the cross covered my sin. His grace was sufficient for me. 

In John 13, a precious thing happens. Jesus knows His time on earth is short. At the evening meal with His disciples, He begins to wash their feet.

 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”

⁷ Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

⁸ “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”

Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”

We need to let Jesus wash us clean so He can fill us up with His spirit. Only if we let Him clean all that stuff we don't want to touch can we be free! Then we can be useful and purposeful in this world. Then we will taste and see that the Lord is good!!!

Lord, I pray that as I continue on in this life, I will never be ashamed to come to you with whatever it is I need to be cleansed of. I thank You for your unconditional love that has made my heart transition from the past to now, where I am made new. 

I'm so thankful for Jesus, who cares for people like us!

Who is Ever Ready?

I have never read any of the Lemony Snicket books. I always blew them off as too silly for me. I saw one of the movies once when I was around 15, and well... it didn't leave a lasting impression. Recently though, I came across this quote and fell in love with it. The truth of it just echoes throughout my whole being! What am I waiting for? Some things I'll never be ready for, until I do them!

The evidence of this truth can be seen throughout my whole life.

I wasn't ready to ride a bike, until I figured out how to do it after many painful falls. Then I was a 6 year old biker chick cruising around the park.

I wasn't ready to go on my first field trip without my mom, but when I did I had so much fun.

I wasn't ready to play my first volleyball game in 7th grade. I was so nervous I would be terrible in front of a whole gym of people. Volleyball became my favorite sport!

I wasn't ready for my family to drive away 3 1/2 years ago when they helped me move to San Marcos for college. Yet, God used these past years to grow me and help me become who I am and find my identity solely in Jesus.

I wasn't ready to lead a small group or share my testimony until I JUST DID IT. Now, I trust God to speak through me.

I wasn't ready to get in a relationship, because I was convinced that eventually I would hurt the other person. There were so many times even in my mind I would play out a whole scenario of how something wouldn't work out before it ever even started! But God has taught me so much about faith, commitment, and communication with my boyfriend of ONE YEAR this month, Evan! And I'm so thankful and happy.

I don't want to wait the rest of my life and look back to see all things I could have done. So here I am, inspired by a quote from a book I didn't give the time of day. Maybe I'll visit half price and books and check it out. Or maybe I'll start writing my own book one day. I don't feel ready, but who ever is?